What next?

I am posting tonight as I seem to be driven by some unsatiable desire to write. I am just not sure what, something, anything. I have had a dream of being a published writer and that others would find great pleasure and comfort from the words I would pen, but I have just never sat for that long to record anything. Writing is like thinking out loud and with the thoughts captured I can contiunally revisit them and edit them until they make sense. What has been a bit troublesome of late is that even after the evaluation they are not making sense. It is as if my mind has become cloudy and clarity escapes me. The path appears to be unfolding before me but I really can't make heads or tails of it.

I am so very thankful that God already knows and says simply to trust Him and all will be well. That is what is best. As I shared with a dear friend today I spoke of waiting on the Lord and how that is always better for us. Whenever I move ahead of Him I find myself in a pickle and then seek Him to bail me out of it. In times like these where there is a cloudiness to my thinking it is all the more important to wait and let Him reveal the path. I wish I were more patient.

I have been for the moment given a reasonably good diagnosis on my health and am ready to once again move without tentativeness, and as usual my impatience in wanting to kick in. Now I feel better but have a need to wait for His directions and to understand them without confusion in my mind. So I write. It preocuppies me and helps me to wait. I am beginning to think that it is not so hard to know God's will for us as it is much harder to simply wait on Him to reveal it.

There, I feel better already. Write me your thoughts and see if you don't feel better. Until the next stop...

Reconsidering the Path

Have you ever while traveling stopped, looked around, and wondered am I where I am suppose to be? The question implies that you know where you are going and are able to assess your progress. Well I am finding that I cannot even ask the question because I do not know where I am going. As the Cheshire cat stated to Alice it doesn't matter which way you go when you do not know where your destination is located. I find with God and walking in faith that what matters most is that He knows where I am going. I must simply trust Him and indeed I do. So why do I still get flustered in trying to know where I am to go. If I in fact have a free will isn't that up to me? And if that be true then where do I fit God in?

God and I have an interesting relationship. It is very personal and intimate yet as close as we are I am left in a "need to know" status. But as I trust Him completely I am resolved to be OK with that. There are just some things that I simply accept in faith and trust that He is still sovereign and that I will not be able to understand or explain certain things (such as my wife letting me get a motorcycle).

So even though sporadic I am choosing to keep the blog alive as I uncover His knowledge and find my way along the path. Keep seeking, keep trusting, and keep walking. And BTW, my cancer improved and there is no radiation called for at the moment. He is so full of surprises! Until the next bend.

A Path of Suffering

Each time I consider ending this blog I feel a compulsion to write again. As I write I have been informed that my cancer is back and we will need to take some action. I am not worried and am coming to a deeper trust with my Lord. I have reconnected with an old friend who is much farther along in her battle with the disease, and she has shared some incredibly profound thoughts from her experience. I am finding that once you enter this community of survivors and fighters that there is something special you begin to understand. Not that anyone would wish for disease but there are things that you learn from it that you may not have learned otherwise.

For example, as much as we like structure and planning so as to make our world predictable, controllable and to minimize surprises it is ultimately an exercise in futility. We are not in control of anything except for ourselves, which I find to be more than I can usually handle. So once you realize this it causes you to adjust your priorities. You anticipate the day that God has given you not so much determined to simply get the "to do" list done but to see more of what God is doing and what He is inviting you to join Him in.

Clearly what use to be important is not as important and that which was sometimes overlooked begins to take preeminence. Time with my wife is so valuable and to see my children and grandchildren takes on new urgency. My ministry is more about meeting people face to face, to share conversation, instead of writing the next great sermon or plan some event or program that will fade into history. I have found through the writings of my friend that little things I did 25 years ago still carry significance and contribute to my identity as one of God's servants.

So to you who have taken the time to read this do not pray to quickly for suffering to be removed from you for you may lose one of the grandest opportunities to know your Savior intimately. Yes there will be suffering along the path so let the rejoicing begin!

She said good-bye

Last month I said I would write real soon. I forget how quickly time passes, especially as I busy myself in the many activities of ministry and life. I did a funeral last week for a very dear lady that I baptized at the youthful age of 82. A month later she said good-bye. I wept a great deal over her death as it seem to come so quickly. It was a painful reminder of how quickly my own death approaches. It tells me that I take too many days and too many things for granted. Betty had been married for almost 65 years and yet for her and Jack it just wasn't enough time. How thankful I am that I can speak of them and know that because of Jesus they will be reunited.

In this same time period we celebrated the arrival of a new life as my wife's neice had her first child. He is beautfiul and in his precious breath it seems that, at least for a moment, all of life's trials she has faced are blown away, hopefully never to return. God gives many gifts and the coming of a child into this world counters many of the woes as God says I will always give life, and that gift translates into never saying good-bye.

So what changes have been wrought in my own life with these events? I can tell you that when I hear the voices of our grand-daughters and grandsons on the phone, for a moment, my life is lightened. I feel an indescrible joy and in the midst of sadness I will smile as if all is well. They grow so quickly in this rapid movement of time that I shall endeavor to never take those phone calls for granted.

I am also taking more time to pray and meditate, to contemplate and get to know the God who made me. I never want to say good-bye to Him and He has made all provisions necessary for good-bye to never be spoken between us. I have thought of stopping this blog as I think many have probably stopped reading it due to my infrequent entries, yet I do not want to say good-bye. So for now let's not and continue on down the path.

Venturing out on the path again

If you are still waiting I have returned to the path. I have been in a bit of debate of whether to continue to blog, but I am sitting in my son's house in West Virginia and up before anyone and God has put it on my heart to write. The comments of others also let me know this is worthwhile. So I am writing.

In these almost six weeks of absence I have ventured off the path simply to continue waiting on God's revelation and to seek some necessary solace. I have received the solace. I think the revelation is still pending. My uncertainty rests in the evaluation of my own expectation. I think that we many times feel that revelation implies necessary change, mostly because we are waiting for what we want, not what God wants. His revelation could be to stay the course. And if it is shouldn't that bring as much joy as some new and exciting adventure? I am finding the answer to be yes.

The doctor has told me to reduce the stress in my life and get some other areas lacking self discipline under control. So I listed all that I am involved with and expend energy on each month so that I may prioritize and eliminate the excesses. Sounds reasonable. But as I peruse my list I find that nearly everything listed is something I have chosen, not been forced into. I love caring for people both in pastoral ministry and in the arena of social justice. I am networked into a variety of communities (government, edcuation, human services, and oh yes, the church) because I encounter God in each of them. My hand has been set to plow this particular field and God is behind it all. Now is not a time to look back. The fact is I don't want to get rid of any of it.

This is why I am back on the path because as much as God has directed me this path is the one I chose by His grace. And His grace is sufficient for me. I needed a revelation and got it, but I will endeavor to keep my eyes and heart open should there be an occasion when God chooses to give me a new one. So as we walk the path, hand in hand, let us continue to look out for one another and share in the work of our hands that God has established.

Glad to be back. I have more coming to write about soon.

Lost

It has been nearly a month since I last posted. Much has happened. Once again I ended up in the hospital with what was thought to be the possibility of several fatal health situations. I left after a day with a diagnosis that whatever was there was gone now. It left me with the question of whether there had really been issues with my heart and lungs and God had healed them or was I simply sick and nothing miraculous had happened. I would like to think the miraculous so that God gets all the credit due Him and it certainly makes for better testimonial recounts. I simply don't know what happened and now I am not so sick so He gets all glory for it.

I have some wonderful moments with family and especially grandchildren. No matter what is going on in life they can raise me up so far above all of it that it has no hold on me and my spirit is quite free. Of lately even God has not been able to get to me that way. I think that is why He uses my grandchildren in such a way. But now I am back home struggling with my own spirituality, treading water in the malestrom of ministry, and clearly unable to rise above anything.

My wife called me and said look up the lyrics of Third Day's new song Revelation. Upon reading it I knew why she had sent it. I am in serious need of a revelation. I really don't know where to go with "my call". I have asked "Is it possible to lose your call?" And I have wondered if my call was based on a false definition of ministry, one that man has created or do I have a true call. I don't know anymore. The cancer made me tentative about life. The heart scare facilitates an evaluation life's plan and intensity. My own weakness brings it all to a futile future perspective.

It is a full moon maybe that is all it is. No I don't really think so. I am beginning to doubt God can use me anymore. I really love Him but I think I have failed Him. If by chance anyone would read this please don't worry about me. It is just a dark time. Still people are coming to me for counsel and encouragement and I still try to provide meaningful lessons even though inside I feel I am dying. I know that there is no one who understands this and there is no one I can go to.

The pastor doesn't have a pastor. So I am momentarily lost on the path. I wish there was at least a fork, but all I see ahead is fog and disenegrating path. If God reveals it to me I will write to let you know. Until then move ahead on your path. Your life has purpose. Fulfill it.

Maybe we'll talk again.