It has been nearly a month since I last posted. Much has happened. Once again I ended up in the hospital with what was thought to be the possibility of several fatal health situations. I left after a day with a diagnosis that whatever was there was gone now. It left me with the question of whether there had really been issues with my heart and lungs and God had healed them or was I simply sick and nothing miraculous had happened. I would like to think the miraculous so that God gets all the credit due Him and it certainly makes for better testimonial recounts. I simply don't know what happened and now I am not so sick so He gets all glory for it.
I have some wonderful moments with family and especially grandchildren. No matter what is going on in life they can raise me up so far above all of it that it has no hold on me and my spirit is quite free. Of lately even God has not been able to get to me that way. I think that is why He uses my grandchildren in such a way. But now I am back home struggling with my own spirituality, treading water in the malestrom of ministry, and clearly unable to rise above anything.
My wife called me and said look up the lyrics of Third Day's new song Revelation. Upon reading it I knew why she had sent it. I am in serious need of a revelation. I really don't know where to go with "my call". I have asked "Is it possible to lose your call?" And I have wondered if my call was based on a false definition of ministry, one that man has created or do I have a true call. I don't know anymore. The cancer made me tentative about life. The heart scare facilitates an evaluation life's plan and intensity. My own weakness brings it all to a futile future perspective.
It is a full moon maybe that is all it is. No I don't really think so. I am beginning to doubt God can use me anymore. I really love Him but I think I have failed Him. If by chance anyone would read this please don't worry about me. It is just a dark time. Still people are coming to me for counsel and encouragement and I still try to provide meaningful lessons even though inside I feel I am dying. I know that there is no one who understands this and there is no one I can go to.
The pastor doesn't have a pastor. So I am momentarily lost on the path. I wish there was at least a fork, but all I see ahead is fog and disenegrating path. If God reveals it to me I will write to let you know. Until then move ahead on your path. Your life has purpose. Fulfill it.
Maybe we'll talk again.
4 comments:
Be encouraged.
Your life and your struggles have made a difference to an incredible amount of people. I look forward to each installment of your blog to see how you get through such difficulties. I cannot even begin to imagine this path you travel, but I learn from you each step of the way. It is good to see these valleys sometimes because they make the mountaintops so much higher. I realize that those words are easy for me to say since I am not in that valley with you, but I just want to encourage you to hold on, it will get better.
Thank you for sharing this harrowing journey with all of us. We are changed because of this experience you share with us. I look forward to hearing about what God has in store for you next!
No, God has not left you. Yes, you still have a calling. You are still the same man with the same purpose in life...but you have had cancer. Just because you have a very personal relationship with God does not mean that your cancer has left you unchanged. God uses these times as opportunities to bring you to a new place in life. Maybe for your purpose and maybe for anothers, but always for his glory. You need to seek help from someone who deals with recovering cancer patients. Maybe God is sending you in that direction to show you how to help others that are hit with the emotions that you have been. You are extremely perceptive and intelligent. Don't overthink this. Go with it. Get some counceling and see where it takes you, or maybe who it takes you to. Maybe you could take your wife along...she has had this awful cancer in her life also.
I love you and wish I were wise enough to counsel you. For now I will just love you and pray for clarity for you.
You words are indeed a balm to my spirit. You are affirming what God and spoken to me of recent.
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