The Beetle's path

What next?

2009-06-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am posting tonight as I seem to be driven by some unsatiable desire to write. I am just not sure what, something, anything. I have had a dream of being a published writer and that others would find great pleasure and comfort from the words I would pen, but I have just never sat for that long to record anything. Writing is like thinking out loud and with the thoughts captured I can contiunally revisit them and edit them until they make sense. What has been a bit troublesome of late is that even after the evaluation they are not making sense. It is as if my mind has become cloudy and clarity escapes me. The path appears to be unfolding before me but I really can't make heads or tails of it.

I am so very thankful that God already knows and says simply to trust Him and all will be well. That is what is best. As I shared with a dear friend today I spoke of waiting on the Lord and how that is always better for us. Whenever I move ahead of Him I find myself in a pickle and then seek Him to bail me out of it. In times like these where there is a cloudiness to my thinking it is all the more important to wait and let Him reveal the path. I wish I were more patient.

I have been for the moment given a reasonably good diagnosis on my health and am ready to once again move without tentativeness, and as usual my impatience in wanting to kick in. Now I feel better but have a need to wait for His directions and to understand them without confusion in my mind. So I write. It preocuppies me and helps me to wait. I am beginning to think that it is not so hard to know God's will for us as it is much harder to simply wait on Him to reveal it.

There, I feel better already. Write me your thoughts and see if you don't feel better. Until the next stop...

Reconsidering the Path

2009-05-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever while traveling stopped, looked around, and wondered am I where I am suppose to be? The question implies that you know where you are going and are able to assess your progress. Well I am finding that I cannot even ask the question because I do not know where I am going. As the Cheshire cat stated to Alice it doesn't matter which way you go when you do not know where your destination is located. I find with God and walking in faith that what matters most is that He knows where I am going. I must simply trust Him and indeed I do. So why do I still get flustered in trying to know where I am to go. If I in fact have a free will isn't that up to me? And if that be true then where do I fit God in?

God and I have an interesting relationship. It is very personal and intimate yet as close as we are I am left in a "need to know" status. But as I trust Him completely I am resolved to be OK with that. There are just some things that I simply accept in faith and trust that He is still sovereign and that I will not be able to understand or explain certain things (such as my wife letting me get a motorcycle).

So even though sporadic I am choosing to keep the blog alive as I uncover His knowledge and find my way along the path. Keep seeking, keep trusting, and keep walking. And BTW, my cancer improved and there is no radiation called for at the moment. He is so full of surprises! Until the next bend.

A Path of Suffering

2009-04-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Each time I consider ending this blog I feel a compulsion to write again. As I write I have been informed that my cancer is back and we will need to take some action. I am not worried and am coming to a deeper trust with my Lord. I have reconnected with an old friend who is much farther along in her battle with the disease, and she has shared some incredibly profound thoughts from her experience. I am finding that once you enter this community of survivors and fighters that there is something special you begin to understand. Not that anyone would wish for disease but there are things that you learn from it that you may not have learned otherwise.

For example, as much as we like structure and planning so as to make our world predictable, controllable and to minimize surprises it is ultimately an exercise in futility. We are not in control of anything except for ourselves, which I find to be more than I can usually handle. So once you realize this it causes you to adjust your priorities. You anticipate the day that God has given you not so much determined to simply get the "to do" list done but to see more of what God is doing and what He is inviting you to join Him in.

Clearly what use to be important is not as important and that which was sometimes overlooked begins to take preeminence. Time with my wife is so valuable and to see my children and grandchildren takes on new urgency. My ministry is more about meeting people face to face, to share conversation, instead of writing the next great sermon or plan some event or program that will fade into history. I have found through the writings of my friend that little things I did 25 years ago still carry significance and contribute to my identity as one of God's servants.

So to you who have taken the time to read this do not pray to quickly for suffering to be removed from you for you may lose one of the grandest opportunities to know your Savior intimately. Yes there will be suffering along the path so let the rejoicing begin!

She said good-bye

2009-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Last month I said I would write real soon. I forget how quickly time passes, especially as I busy myself in the many activities of ministry and life. I did a funeral last week for a very dear lady that I baptized at the youthful age of 82. A month later she said good-bye. I wept a great deal over her death as it seem to come so quickly. It was a painful reminder of how quickly my own death approaches. It tells me that I take too many days and too many things for granted. Betty had been married for almost 65 years and yet for her and Jack it just wasn't enough time. How thankful I am that I can speak of them and know that because of Jesus they will be reunited.

In this same time period we celebrated the arrival of a new life as my wife's neice had her first child. He is beautfiul and in his precious breath it seems that, at least for a moment, all of life's trials she has faced are blown away, hopefully never to return. God gives many gifts and the coming of a child into this world counters many of the woes as God says I will always give life, and that gift translates into never saying good-bye.

So what changes have been wrought in my own life with these events? I can tell you that when I hear the voices of our grand-daughters and grandsons on the phone, for a moment, my life is lightened. I feel an indescrible joy and in the midst of sadness I will smile as if all is well. They grow so quickly in this rapid movement of time that I shall endeavor to never take those phone calls for granted.

I am also taking more time to pray and meditate, to contemplate and get to know the God who made me. I never want to say good-bye to Him and He has made all provisions necessary for good-bye to never be spoken between us. I have thought of stopping this blog as I think many have probably stopped reading it due to my infrequent entries, yet I do not want to say good-bye. So for now let's not and continue on down the path.

Venturing out on the path again

2009-02-25T02:22:00.000-08:00

If you are still waiting I have returned to the path. I have been in a bit of debate of whether to continue to blog, but I am sitting in my son's house in West Virginia and up before anyone and God has put it on my heart to write. The comments of others also let me know this is worthwhile. So I am writing.

In these almost six weeks of absence I have ventured off the path simply to continue waiting on God's revelation and to seek some necessary solace. I have received the solace. I think the revelation is still pending. My uncertainty rests in the evaluation of my own expectation. I think that we many times feel that revelation implies necessary change, mostly because we are waiting for what we want, not what God wants. His revelation could be to stay the course. And if it is shouldn't that bring as much joy as some new and exciting adventure? I am finding the answer to be yes.

The doctor has told me to reduce the stress in my life and get some other areas lacking self discipline under control. So I listed all that I am involved with and expend energy on each month so that I may prioritize and eliminate the excesses. Sounds reasonable. But as I peruse my list I find that nearly everything listed is something I have chosen, not been forced into. I love caring for people both in pastoral ministry and in the arena of social justice. I am networked into a variety of communities (government, edcuation, human services, and oh yes, the church) because I encounter God in each of them. My hand has been set to plow this particular field and God is behind it all. Now is not a time to look back. The fact is I don't want to get rid of any of it.

This is why I am back on the path because as much as God has directed me this path is the one I chose by His grace. And His grace is sufficient for me. I needed a revelation and got it, but I will endeavor to keep my eyes and heart open should there be an occasion when God chooses to give me a new one. So as we walk the path, hand in hand, let us continue to look out for one another and share in the work of our hands that God has established.

Glad to be back. I have more coming to write about soon.

Lost

2009-01-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

It has been nearly a month since I last posted. Much has happened. Once again I ended up in the hospital with what was thought to be the possibility of several fatal health situations. I left after a day with a diagnosis that whatever was there was gone now. It left me with the question of whether there had really been issues with my heart and lungs and God had healed them or was I simply sick and nothing miraculous had happened. I would like to think the miraculous so that God gets all the credit due Him and it certainly makes for better testimonial recounts. I simply don't know what happened and now I am not so sick so He gets all glory for it.

I have some wonderful moments with family and especially grandchildren. No matter what is going on in life they can raise me up so far above all of it that it has no hold on me and my spirit is quite free. Of lately even God has not been able to get to me that way. I think that is why He uses my grandchildren in such a way. But now I am back home struggling with my own spirituality, treading water in the malestrom of ministry, and clearly unable to rise above anything.

My wife called me and said look up the lyrics of Third Day's new song Revelation. Upon reading it I knew why she had sent it. I am in serious need of a revelation. I really don't know where to go with "my call". I have asked "Is it possible to lose your call?" And I have wondered if my call was based on a false definition of ministry, one that man has created or do I have a true call. I don't know anymore. The cancer made me tentative about life. The heart scare facilitates an evaluation life's plan and intensity. My own weakness brings it all to a futile future perspective.

It is a full moon maybe that is all it is. No I don't really think so. I am beginning to doubt God can use me anymore. I really love Him but I think I have failed Him. If by chance anyone would read this please don't worry about me. It is just a dark time. Still people are coming to me for counsel and encouragement and I still try to provide meaningful lessons even though inside I feel I am dying. I know that there is no one who understands this and there is no one I can go to.

The pastor doesn't have a pastor. So I am momentarily lost on the path. I wish there was at least a fork, but all I see ahead is fog and disenegrating path. If God reveals it to me I will write to let you know. Until then move ahead on your path. Your life has purpose. Fulfill it.

Maybe we'll talk again.

Nostalgia on the Path

2008-12-22T05:19:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to you all. Today I write the Christmas Eve service for our church. I am not really a Christmas sort of guy. Just like this service the season adds more work to my schedule and it always causes some stress for a variety of reasons. So this year I really desired simplicity. Simplicity is what best describes the child's view because they don't carry the stress nor should they ever have to. So why as adults do we forfeit the simple things that truly embody the joy that should characterize the season? I suppose the noble answer is that we absorb the stress so that the children don't have to but I feel it is more than that.

I asked Sharon for a simple day in the midst of the holiday so Saturday we went to Marshall, Michigan. It is a town known for its historic flavor and small town festiveness. We parked and proceeded to go shop to shop visiting with the shopkeepers keeping warm within their nicely decorated walls. But I had an interesting moment within one of the antique shops. As I looked upon those many items that were brand new when I was a child I was overwhelmed with the nostalgic remembrance of my childhood Christmases. I began to shed a few tears as I recalled the family Christmas Eves that included food and presents and all the relatives. I wandered in my thoughts to those who are gone or far away that made them so special. God how I miss them. And then I thought how again we will not be with our kids either. So much of what makes my Christmas joyful is missing.

But some good things came through the hospitable heart of my wife. Saturday morning she invited some of our best friends over for some Belgian waffles. Again Sunday we enjoyed one of Sharon's wonderful spaghetti dinners with friends and took in a show. Here in the midst of our undecorated home we had some Christmas spirit. We shared of ourselves with people we love.

You see it's not the lights or the gifts. It's not the unending list of activities. It's people. Just like those who gave to make my Christmas special. God has blessed us here with a very white Christmas (a beautiful snow is falling as I write) which I think adds to the sense of warmth when we gather with loved ones. And no matter where you are there are people so let us work to not miss the people who God does place around us this Christmas.

One closing note: I just read an email I get from the Ukraine each month that shares with me the lives of orphans there. Maybe you can't adopt a child but many would love just to receive a letter from someone so if there is a shortage of people to love in your life God can lead you to a world full of kids that dream of being loved personally.

Hope your Christmas is particularyly joyful.

Quiet on the Path

2008-12-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

You know what I like about winter? Probably not, so let me share that with you. First of all I love the silence that comes right after a beautiful snowfall. The air is pure and is filled with silence. Along with that there is a stillness as if the world, time, space has been frozen. Yet in its midst I am animated. It reminds me of the life that dwells in me.

The other aspect of winter that fits to my liking is that there are no bugs. Insects go away when it is so cold. For example when you are out at a beautiful site in the summer you will most likely have flies annoying you or mosquitoes biting you, but in the winter only Jack Frost may nip at your nose. He really only bothers me when my heat bill goes up.

Why do I share this with you? I do because it is spiritual. We are told to be still and know God. Winter affords me stillness. Some versions of scripture say to stop striving. So stop swatting the bugs! Be still. We just enjoyed at Thanksgiving a large family gathering outside Gatlinburg, Tennessee on the western border of the Great Smokey Mountains. There were times where (as much as I love my family) I had to go outside and find some quiet. I found that I could search the view of the mountains unendlessly, in the stillness, and begin to understand when the psalmist said that he would look unto the mountains from whence cometh my strength.

Let me encourage you in this traditionally very busy time of year to seek the silence of winter, the freedom from annoyance, and find the places that offer you strength. The times ahead of us indicate that there will be many challenges and we will need all the strength we can get. Keep walking the path but take time to become strong.

Until the next stop.

Such a long path

2008-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Good morning. It has been a while. I apologize that I have not stayed in touch as I had hoped to. I don't know about you but I am very tired. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, no matter what aspect of my being I speak of there is weariness. The path this year has been demanding and there appears to be no letting up. Is your life like that? Let me know. I will pray for you.

I am sitting at home having just endured a phone call that was one of the most focused personal attacks on my wife and me that we have ever had to face. To have the burdens of another's life in terms of her fears, frustrations, and doubts transferred on to you and assigned to you as your own is very hard to receive. But we are called not to judge but to be gracious, poor in the spirit. But when you are running on empty it is hard to please God, to be merciful and a maker of peace. I can only imagine the heart of Jesus as the people He came to die for hurled their insults and accusations of failure on Him when He loved them so.

So now I sit trying to write a sermon that the main thought is to know and understand the motivations of your heart. Why does it seem so much easier to assess and ascribe the motivations of someone else's heart? Why is it that there always seems to be energy to do that but in addressing ourselves we feel depleted and choose to turn on the TV instead? Can I just write this all off to there being a full moon right now? I suppose not.

I would love to offer some great word of profundity at this moment and rise like a Phoenix above the ashes but I can't. No, today on the path will be one where I linger in the ashes and let the fire that remains do some more purification. When the sermon does not come quickly it is usually because there is something inhibiting me from hearing God. So I must go now on down the path with ears to hear. For only God can replenish us so we can continue walking without growing weary, soaring on eagle's wings.

Live strong my fellow sojourners. Until the next bend in the path.

You want to rest when?

2008-10-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings my fellow sojourners. It has been a couple of weeks. The activity along the path has heightened and I am yearning for rest. Maybe this weekend. Why is it that we find it difficult to take a sabbath rest? What is so urgent that it must always be done now? I live too much this way. As I type I am looking out the window anticipating today's snow flurries wondering where did this year go? I am past much of the cancer worry. The doctor has told me no radiation at this time which I praise my Lord for. He responded favorably to all of your prayers. Yet I feel such a loss of time. Where did the summer go?

I think this rapid pace of life that we live along the path is wearing us out and down. Yet when we are required to wait we appear almost inept in handling it. We don't like it and when we get it we are quick to seek the activity again. I envy those who find rest easy. Today my son and his wife are on their second day of waiting for the birth of their adoptive son and have been told you will have a third day coming as the induction will not happen today. I know the platitude about God's timing (which is wonderfully true) but when your heart is full of anticipation and some anxiety it does not bring much comfort. Please pray for them and for Myer their soon to arrive son.

I guess we must all learn to wait, rest, find peace, and trust God. I thought I had a day to work in solitude but have remembered two meetings that I must attend this afternoon. OK I thought about rest. Does that count?

See you on down the path, after a break I hope.

Speeding on the path

2008-10-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Indianapolis where I will be attending with my wife and friend Elaine the Externally Focused Church workshop. Today we had the blessing again of hearing Shane Claiborne at Indiana Wesleyan University while on the way to the EFC workshop. He is an amazing individual and if you haven't read his book "Irresistable Revolution" you need to. It is powerful and convicting. It will make you ask "How many of my Christian friends are really walking in the way of Christ?" (I have a link to the Simple Way at the bottom of my blog.) I suspect you will feel a bit judgmental as you realize that compared to the radical revolutionary Jesus that answer is sadly no. So that is why we are picking up speed on the path.

In the midst of a world that is seeing that all of it structures are a house of cards we stand in the midst of an eternal kingdom that even Hell cannot prevail against. We have been given the golden moment in time where the Kingdom can shine bright as a true beacon of hope. I write this while listening to news pundits debate the good and evil of the days stock market's record gains. I have a 401K from my years in business but I do not trust in it and am rather pushing more for God's people to live by His economy. In this we are moving faster to establish Wild Goose Ministries from our home. It is a ministry that will serve the poor and homeless by giving them safety, education, spiritual formation, and hope. God is bringing all things together and it is wonderful what is happenig. I cannot wait to tell you what is accomplished in the name of Jesus as we move through this process.

I am really not wanting to "speed" as it implies a lack of discernment but the days are clicking off quickly and yes, in terms of my faith I want to walk with reckless abandonment living right on the edge where I experience the fulfillment of faith but the world would view it as foolishness. I feel that if you are placing any hope and confidence in worldly systems or people it is you who is foolish.

Well it is only 22 days until the election and I personally see no one to vote for. I have even checked alternative candidates and could not find one. So I have decided to vote for Jesus. He has never failed me and knows more than anyone. He is not troubled by the world's circumstances and is anxious to come claim His bride. So I will move quickly down the path to get things done for the kingdom that God has called me to do and trust that He will keep me to the end.

Accelerating through the curve of the path.

Where do we go now?

2008-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well the lab results are back and they look good. My assumption is that the cancer has been removed or at least controlled, but I have not met with the doctor yet to be told for sure. Nonetheless I am really moving into a higher gear in ministry. The new challenge is to determine exactly where God is leading me and Sharon. I have read some incredible authors lately, Frank Viola, Shane Claiborne, Ravi Zacharias, and others and am in the midst of rethinking church. I had the opportunity to meet Frank Viola and when I told him that I pastored a traditional church he suggested that I needed to just walk away from it as it would lead to nothing but frustration. Interestingly Shane calls the frustration a gift. I respect these men and their thinking but walking away from people I love is not easy. And me simply leaving leaves everyone else in this traditional way of "doing" church and may never help them move to actually "being" the church. So I am left with the challenge to help move our gatherings to a more organic existence. What is really wild is that I am not wanting my brothers and sisters to compromise their dogma; I am asking them to lose it! I have this vision of us living and functioning like Jesus. Call me crazy but I think it can happen.

Our community of Charlotte, MI is wanting to become the most generous community in the country. It has generated a most interesting dialogue as we explore questions like what does generosity look like, and how will we know when we get there and how will this be sustained with our children and the generations to come. Talk about God giving us a golden opportunity to shine as His people this has to be it. I am just frustrated (like Frank said) in that the community of believers are not seeing it. I proclaim it but no one seems to be really interested. So now what God?

There seems to be interest in a building project at the church so Sharon and I are thinking some residence facilities for the homeless (instead of a bigger sanctuary). Or maybe we continue to move outside of the church and its traditional inhibitions to establish a mission. It is a decision that generates great excitement and unbelieveable headaches as I feel the tension. If you have any thoughts I sure would appreciate you passing them on. It's like stopping at the gas station to get directions. You are my person behind the counter pointing out the window. I am paying attention and the path calls.

Meet you at the next fork in the path.

What's around the corner?

2008-09-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well the time has come. I must walk a little farther and turn the corner. Corners are both exciting and dangerous. Afterall you can't see what awaits there. It could be exhilerating leading you further down the path but it could also be a dead end. But both of these possibilities could be just fine. You see it is not about a wrong turn it is about the turn. Either way it must be made and it will require some courage to make it. Some would say that there is the option of just stopping where you are and not worrying about facing the experiences that lay in waiting around the corner but in my life that is not an option.

Since I have received the diagnosis of cancer God has caused my life to explode in a multitude of possibilities. I have met with a man that is a personal acquaintance of at least 10 presidential leaders in the continent of Africa and has asked me to work with him there; I talked with our state's governor's husband and we will meet again; Sharon and I are dreaming of a ministry- business that could help many lives. With all that is happening why would I not run to make the next turn? I must do it. Why is there concern?

Tomorrow I find out if the cancer is still there.

God has sent some amazing people into my life that I have endured so much more than me. They have successfully fought cancer for many years. They have struggled through multiple surgeries. They never let the illness overwhelm or cancel out their dreams. I will join their ranks! I am not scared because the presence of God has been all the more manifested before me and in me. I think He has always been revealing Himself to me but now I have eyes to see Him. It took cancer and these witnesses of God to remove my blindness.

So with my eyes wide open I move forward without tentativeness completely trusting my Lord. I don't know what the turn tomorrow will bring, but I don't need to know. My God knows.

Wanna race?

See you around the corner.

The Waiting

2008-09-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well I am back on the path again. The healing is not going as well as I had hoped but I have not really been patient to allow for it either. It is not easy for me to simply rest and see all that I could be doing going undone. So I wait. Those who love me and care for me continue to admonish me and encourage me to give myself time but I have never been good about waiting. I know God said that if we would wait we would mount up with wings like eagles but apparently I have not taken that to heart yet. I know the problem is pride.

There is the other waiting too. The waiting on finding out what the prognosis is. My mind travels there on a daily basis as well as playing out the scenarios of potential outcomes. I am learning that living boldly is not without its moments of waiting. I struggle with the fact that sometimes my faith is so cerebrel. I know God's timing is perfect but what's wrong with mine? I know waiting may (and usually is) for the better but why can't it happen now? I know... but... I am more than able to acknowledge God's greater wisdom, power, and timing from my belief in Him, but now I must move to have my heart believe Him.

So I am working to make the most of the respite time. I am going deeper into God's word and really getting to know this wonderful God I have worshipped for so long. I am preaching through the Sermon on the Mount and am finding that it is some of, if not the most powerful words Jesus ever spoke. As one of His children I am drawn to an ever deepening relationship with Him. I am praying the Beatitudes into my life each day as well as reading them. God is all the more present, yes within my heart, but also before my eyes. I see His manifest presence in so many ways and He assures me that I do not wait alone. I pray that you will know His presence this way as well. Mark Batterson writes that we sometimes get so busy doing the Lord's work that we destroy the work of the Lord in us. It's OK. Pull off to the side of the path and breath God in. It will do you some good. See you at the next stop.

The Rough Terrain of the Path

2008-08-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's 3:05 in the morning. My sickness is keeping me from rest. God and I are having a wonderful time together. My friend and Christian brother lays within his home fighting the ravages of chemotherapy. I rejoice in my discomfort this night having prayed that God would give me his sickness so he might rest. I don't know if God has indeed done this but as I fight this physical disruption I am praising God thinking that maybe my friend is having a peaceful night.

My apologies to those who have traveled the path with me and found me slow to post my latest movements of the journey. My intentions have been there but my post surgery period has been different than I expected. I thought that it would be a quiet time of recuperation and that I would have a great deal of time to kill. I had pictured catching up on my many books and laying out months of sermons and when ever fatigue would set in I would close my eyes and nap until strength would return. It has been anything but that. I have pretty much had minimal rest and am working pretty much a full day each day. I have even been out and about more than I thought though I don't like to drive very far. I am trying to minimize the recuperative period so that my healing can be accomplished but there are so many needs and so much to be done. I am learning an important lesson and pain is the instructor.

I have been humbled by the outpouring of love and good wishes. It is hard at times to be on the receiving end of blessings but is important to allow yourself to be blessed. To a person I have been told to take it easy and not be in a hurry to jump back into the fray. But I must confess there is this little section of pride that likes to proclaim how I have taken on quickly the tasks that are usually mine to own as if I am someone of some special sacrificial status. I confess it is feeding my own prideful need for recognition. Wow does it hurt to say that! But I have learned this and today, if by no other reason than sheer fatigue I am going get over myself and rest. No more foolishness this day! The path will be before me whenever I am able to rise up again and continue my travels.

The doctor has not given me an all clear on the cancer so I may have more challenging sections of the path to walk. I had better build up my strength. This Beetle's path has roadside rests. See you after the break.

The Next Mile Marker on the Path

2008-08-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

Well it is now a week to go until surgery. I have been working (and I do mean working) at truly releasing my illness to God to be used by Him for His glory. Wow that sounds so deep and profound and conveys me to be such a pillar of strength. So why don't I feel that way? Yesterday we had the most incredible worship experience I have had in a long, long time. We met with the brothers and sisters at Sojourn in Louisville, Kentucky. What an amazing presence of the Spirit! They had one truly rocked out praise team and at one point they started doing my favorite hymn, Be Thou My Vision, in a very powerful way. I started to sing the first verse but soon was overwhelmed and began to weep before my God. I have made it known for many years that I wanted this hymn played at my funeral and I think I started to let it get to me, you know, my own mortality. My emotions traveled from earth to heaven as I pictured leaving the ones I love to me then standing face to face with the One whom I have loved for so long. I saw Him in all His glory and realized that some of my tears were due to the feeling of having disappointed Him so many times and finding that He still loved me. The family at Sojourn blessed me with an experience of what leaving this earth might be like; a sadness intitially for not being with my wife and our family and in a moment transitioning beyond them to God's presence and the displacement of all my worldly attachments and worries. You don't have to be out of your body to discover this, you have to be out of your self. I have discovered in approaching this mile marker that I have really been wrapped up in me. I have been arrogant and have lacked humility. This surgery and its affects will humble me further and by God's providence this is what I need. Maybe, just maybe I will finally lose enough of my self in Him to let Him accomplish the most significant thing He ever purposed in my life. Can you imagine what the next mile marker on the path will be like?! Hang on! The path is growing more interesting.

See you after surgery
The Beetle

A Beetle's Pace

2008-07-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

My how time does fly. I had hoped that this would be a weekly appointment but I have found that even once a week is a hard time to keep. I am wanting to travel the path in a well managed, consistent pace but there is just too much to do and experience to travel slowly. God is opening doors so quickly and there are so many that it is increasingly difficult to manage a healthy pace, but as I write this God has given me a quiet morning for contemplation and reflection.

I want to share with you first what is happening physically and mentally with me because it will add your understanding of the significance of what else I intend to share. To put it concisely, I am in menopause. The drug I have been given to inhibit the cancer destroys testosterone. Being male this introduces challenges that by God's initial design I am not prepared to handle. My emotions swing frequently, and at times, widely so my wife has had much to react to. She has been nothing short of great. My many hot flashes (happening even as I type) are a big nuisance and add to that my energy is noticeably dropping. This is all a gift as I now have insight and sympathy with women who walk this part of their path. But now on to a couple of very significant things that are going on.

This week my beautiful and usually very healthy wife was diagnosed with diabetes and at a rather significant level. This has been devastating to her and as I have experienced she too is in a depressed state of mind. There is a great sense of loss with this diagnosis and the prognosis only adds to that loss. This is important because she has been the one on whom I lean the most and now she needs to lean and so I am there. I find it very interesting that when you are at a point where you want to whine about your own situation God sends you or calls you to another who has a need you can fill. (Paul found prison a great place to write letters to friends who needed him.) Sharon and I carved out a couple of days for just us last week and it was truly wonderful. To have one you weep with and rejoice with is of a value that words cannot adequately capture or relate.

I also had the most amazing opportunity to go to the Cedarcreek Church in Perrysburg, Ohio and hear some of the most astute and wise speakers I have ever heard. I walked away with a greater sense of the global impact that results when our local body follows God and that as a small speck of dust I could change the world. How's that for inspiration? Yet I am reminded daily that I have cancer and as I respond to this call that God has placed on my heart I am keenly aware that my life has numbered days. Knowing that there is much I need to do with the years I have remaining so I am anything but passive, victimized, or defeated. I have taken it up a notch but I do try to make every moment count. Pastor Joel Brooks of Kalamazoo says don't go to bed without blood on your sword. I can tell you that I am in the battle everyday and leaving nothing on the table. People's hearts are changing, new responsibilities are opening up, and even Monday I am meeting with someone from the governor's office. Pray big, think big, live big. I won't go down easy.

See you at the next turn.

Not so strong afterall

2008-07-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry for being late on the post this week. Last week was full of travail as a hellacious storm blew through town and flooded our basement. I have never witnessed such a storm and today I write as yet another storm system moves through and floods our streets again. Sharon and I have worked for five days to remove the moisture and we have grown weary of it. I cannot imagine what it has been like for those of Myammar or Iowa but I am certain I never want to wade that path.

What really has been troubling is how quickly my weakness is revealed when life becomes inconvenienced or challenged. I shared Sunday how mad I got with God when my wife mourned the loss of her beloved flowers due to the hail that covered our home and yard. And then as we tore up relatively new carpet that was saturated I became passive as the fight left me and the waters continued to enter. Where was all this warrior-like intensity that I always am quick to preach about? I sat last night wondering if God could really do something wonderful using a guy like me.

I am blessed with the most amazing woman for my wife. Her wisdom is exceeded only by her beauty and compassion. In her not so subtle way she redirects my attention to Jesus (where it should have been all along). Referring to Mark Batterson's book "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" she tells me to reframe my thinking and to live with uncertainty. So I read the first five chapters this morning before heading out to the office. As I sit in my now dry for the most part basement and think about those whose homes have been totally destroyed. I put on my clothes for the day and am reminded of those who have nothing. And even now I am typing with a full stomach of pizza and salad because I had friends who wanted to treat me to lunch. And I had the audacious spirit that would get mad at God. I am pitiful.

But God does not leave me there. I had an awesome morning! I called my wife and thanked her for loving me and giving me wise counsel. I then put all the bills in the mail because we had enough to cover this week's costs. (The hospital bills have been getting me down.) And then I met with a sister at the church building to do work on the community partnership ministry that we are looking to initiate this fall, that we hope will bring churches of all faiths, agencies of all varieties, and the local government together to meet the needs of those in our community that have so much less than this whiny butt.

God is good and indeed His mercies are new everyday.
Talk to you at the next stop on the path.

Where on the path am I?

2008-06-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well I just returned from visiting my family in North Carolina and I am operating on two hours of sleep so please overlook any errors that may occur. I saw my parents who are fighting the effects of aging, my neices and nephews are growing up incredibly fast, and my brother and sister are sharing in the transition of mid-life with me. It reminded me of Stephen Covey's thoughts on life where he asks one to draw a line representing your life and then to put an "X" on it where you think you are now living. This exercise initiates a variety of thoughts regarding your health and the evaluation of your priorities. So where do I think I am?

During our visit we sat on a couple of occasions remembering the old home town and the people that were a part of our lives while growing up. It is a lot of fun for us to recall the simplicity and pleasure of our home and its acivities. But as you progress through your life it also reminds you just how far you have traveled in this life journey. Herein lies the morsel of truth I would like you to chew on today.

It is easy to yearn for the good days of the past, even to the extent to where the good days of the future are sacrificed. I believe the recollection of preceding days and their experiences can and should be used to instill a feeling of anticipation for the future. My parent's miss the days of how church happened the way they like it. My siblings and I loved our youthful days and all of us have sought to provide "good" days for our children to remember when they grow older, but I saw two different responses to the reminiscing. One causes an ongoing struggle to reinstitute the old ways and the other builds energy within an ever opening mind which seeks to embrace the new old days.

My illness has not stopped my dreaming of what the future could be, although it has interrupted some of the planning. I want to encourage you that regardless of where your "X" appears on your life's timeline don't relinquish your hope for the future. Our God is of the future. Yes He is also the God of restoration but He does not do this to move us backwards but to have the foundation upon which our future can be built and sustained.

Stay the course my fellow sojourners. We live in the hope; we carry the hope; we share the hope.

See you later down the path.
John

The storm season is here

2008-06-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

Sharon and I have survived the most recent rounds of storms with a loss of some food and some water in the basement bedroom. So compared with the Iowans and Chinese and the unfortunate of Myammar we are truly blessed and protected. Yet this morning as a gaze upon an ever increasing pile of medical bills related to my cancer my trust in God once again feels the tug of doubt. I know that He has promised never to forsake me and I do rely upon that but here is where a momentary sense of contradiction arises.

I have been reading some truly challenging authors and my thinking continues to evolve regarding the church. I am becoming more excited of leading the church towards the true biblical, organic design but right in the midst of this effort I have this diagnosis to deal with. OK Lord so we have another storm to face. The contradiction comes in the juxtaposition of the call to do this and the feeling that His protection had a bit of a gap in it. Intellectually I know what God has assured me of but it is in the living that the truth of what He says is revealed and my heart is transformed. So here is the challenge of this week: how shall I reconcile all of this?

I encourage you to read Dr. Len Sweets new compilation of postmodern thought The Perfect Storm because I think his summary thoughts at the end of the book give great insight into how we reconcile this. One of my favorite biblical stories is in Mark 4 where to escape the crowds Jesus has His disciples push of from shore in a boat. Shortly Jesus falls asleep and a storm begins to overwhelm them. In their fear they awake the Lord who then immediately speaks and the storm is calmed. The main point is not so much Jesus' power as it is the lack of the disciples faith in riding out the storm. Dr. Sweet says that instead of having the ride of their life they chose the lull of their life. This is not the choice I want to make nor should any of you who read this. I am thinking that God is allowing me this experience of Him on my journey so I can better translate it into the life of the church which for too many years has chosen the "lull of its life".

So as the storms keep hitting us let us all endeavor to enjoy the ride. See you later on the path.

The Journey Begins

2008-06-06T06:36:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when one realizes that the life you are living is but one story amongst millions which are all under the umbrella of God's huge metanarrative. In this you begin to see that you are not lost or insignificant but rather one who is designed with purpose and responsibility to fulfill that purpose before leaving this life. I believe to record the insights that God gives me in this pursuit is part of fulfilling it. I tend to ramble so let's move on.

I am motivated to do this for two reasons: first as I grow in the likeness of Jesus Christ who I feel was and is the greatest teacher of all time I am beginning to release God in my life. For too long I tried to relegate Him to my box and based my interaction with the rest of the world on how well it fit into my box. There is no longer a box. I now have found freedom in Christ (as He promised) and no longer allow the divisions of man to determine how I will live with others. Political, religous, doctrinal, and philosophical differences pale in the greater light of seeking peace and unity as taught by Jesus. This is how I will honor Him publicly.

The second reason is that I have just recently been diagnosed with cancer. Having almost died in 1984 I now face this illness with a different perspective. I learned in the first encounter with mortality that I did not really have the most important things in life holding the positions of highest priority. I have tried to rectify that in the ensuing years, sometimes better than others, but now facing an upcoming surgery I once again am re-evaluating life. This blog will allow me to share that effort and possibly be an encouragement to someone else. I travel a new path experiencing God's mercies which a new daily but an old path of considering my own mortality. I find it interesting, yet a bit frightening.

The spiritual and physical journeys are as integrated as the mental and social and so I will try to update the travel experiences at least weekly. I invite you to join me.